My Halloween Plans

As an office worker, same as a busy woman, I seldom go for a vacation. As far as possible, I would preferably plan everthing I would probably do, during that vacation.
All saints and souls days are coming, so I have to plan, what possible things I am obliged to do. So what I did is list all of the possible things I would want to do for those days.

Oct. 31 Friday(evening)
I am going home to our province.
Visit my 88 yrs old grandmother, have her bless me and have a little chitchat.
Then rest.

Nov. 1 Saturday
Morning: I will help my mother and sister in preparing food for this holiday. I have no idea what would be our recipes, but I will share it to you as soon as I came back to the office.
I will be coming to the cemetery at the afternoon so that, it is not too hot, and people at the cemetery are minimized
Then chitchat with cousins and friends, and go home.

Nov. 2, Sunday
Morning: I will help clean the house, play with my niece, and help prepare our lunch
Afternoon: Back at the boarding house and work work work.

I know, those days will be too full for me. But it's okay as long as I am happy with it

Halloween Quotes

November is fast approaching, it's the month four souls and saints. I would like to share some quotes I found for this coming Halloween.

When witches go riding,
and black cats are seen,
the moon laughs and whispers,
‘tis near Halloween.
~Author Unknown


Bring forth the raisins and the nuts-
Tonight All-Hallows' Spectre struts
Along the moonlit way.
~John Kendrick Bangs

A gypsy fire is on the hearth,
Sign of the carnival of mirth;
Through the dun fields and from the glade
Flash merry folk in masquerade,
For this is Hallowe'en!

Happy Halloween!!

Are my Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

Wanted Husban

Funny story about an old woman:

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

---------------------
Tsk, tsk, tsk... great job!

Be Fertile!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm
celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Joke Time!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

Say It

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Inspirational Quote

Inspirational Quote that we must always remember:

If others can do....

Let them do it...

Don't forget yourself..
Make life easy..

Sa Gitna ng Kalye

Kapg nakita mo ako na marumi,
warat-warat ang damit,
walang tsinelas,
at nasa gitna ng kalye...

Please lang, huwag kang lalapit...
may Shooting ako,
bawal ang mga Fans..
heheheheheh

Boats or Yachts?

A grandson talking to his grandfather:

Apo: Look at those boats lolo!

Lolo: Amazing, di ba iho? They are called yachts.

Apo: Yachts? How do you spell it Lolo?

Lolo: You're right iho, they are boats..

Don't Kick The Animals

A little farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking farm animals. First he kicked a pig. Then he kicked a chicken. Lastly he kicked a cow.

His mother, watching from the kitchen window decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school. When he comes home from school, his mother confronts him and says "I seen you this morning kicking those farm animals. since you kicked a pig you get no pork products for a week. Since you kicked a chicken you get no eggs for a week. Since you kicked a cow, you get no beef products for a week. Now go wait for your father and tell him what you have done. "

The young boy goes and waits for his father. When his father comes home from a long day of work he is so mad he kicks the cat across the front yard. The boy looks to his mother and says "You wanna tell him no pussy or do you want me to?"

God And Men's Sex Lives

When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.

"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."

"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed. The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

Mall

Sa mall...

Lola: hwag kang bibitiw sa palda ko,apo..baka ka mawala.

Apo: Opo,yoya.

(After 2 hrs)

Lola: guard,may nakita ba kayong bata na may dalang palda?

Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

Special Persons

Special Persons are part of my memories that even time can never erase. And when I’m blessed with a person like you, my memories are worth keeping forever…

Computer Evolution

Boy: “Daddy? How did I come into this world?”

Dad: “Listen carefully. Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cafe, Dad connected to Mom. Mom at that time, made some downloads from Dad’s memory stick. When Dad finished uploading, we discovered we did not use firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later, we ended up with a virus...

Funny 2: Brain Upgrade

We will now upgrade your brain.

Please wait....

Searching....

Searching...

still searching....

ooooooooopsss!

sorry, NO BRAIN found...

Funny 1: Email Password

A guy was setting up his new e-mail account while his girlfriend sat beside him. Feeling all macho, he put in "penis" as his password. His girlfriend fell off her chair laughing when the error message reads PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH!

:) :)